The Food Club/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: And now it's time for the show from the great untouched wilderness. Well, okay, so it's a little touched, but, you know, so are the people who live up here. And, well, don't call it cabin fever. Call it getting back to nature. Call it lack of education. Call it "the red green show." anyways, here he is, the man of the hour, the guy -- here he is, and, well, he's the greatest human being who's ever, you know, given me a steady job. Ladies and gentlemen, the head of the lodge, the star of the show -- mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you and welcome to the possum lodge. Our home is your home, and looks like your home could, uh, use a good cleaning. And speaking of needing a good cleaning, say hello, harold. Oh, okay. Wa-a! Hello. [ keyboard clacking ] that's director talk for, "I have nothing more to say." kind of a somber mood, actually, up at the lodge this week. Our lodge treasurer, douglas, has come up a bit short, uh, this month for, actually, the 15th month in a row. I think the problem is we just don't get a lot of visitors up here at possum lodge 'cause we're not as well known as the other lodges and we're just a little bit off the beaten path. And, of course, the place is a dump. But, anyway, with this deficit thing, douglas is kind of cutting back. There's no more thirds at mealtime, you got to pay extra for toothpicks, and he's closed the pool. Pool? What -- what pool? The cesspool, harold. I'm just saying I don't think that, you know, the members should start to realize there's no such thing as a free lunch. Up here, there's no such thing as a good lunch. Douglas is working on that, too. He's got some kind of a scheme to save money on our food bills. Well, maybe he could just get the members to take, like, normal portions. At least that way, we could cut back on the size of the members. No, no, no, no, he's got some kind of a buy-in-bulk food scheme or something or other. I mean, after all, we eat in bulk. Well, okay. Well, has anyone ever thought of actually doing something to generate money, like using thought or effort? You know, something revolutionary. Harold, that machine of yours there, how much would that be worth if I sold that to, say, a television network or a pawnshop or something? Nothing. Well, you know, next to nothing. Don't, uncle red, I need my ax. This thing pays for itself. Why do they call it the food club? Do you got to be a piece of food to join? The murray food club is going to let you buy your food in bulk, not this one-at-a-time stuff. Yeah, that's right. What's the point? It's cheap. You bet it is. Wow. I can't believe the savings. Are you sure you calculated it right? You try it, einstein. Dwayne. My name's dwayne. I can't wait till eddie finds out about these savings. Oh, bill, bill, have you seen eddie? [ mumbles ] well, can you get him? I'm going to be changing all of the food he'll be cooking. [ mumbles ] make sure that he orders from the four basic food groups -- dairy, meat, grain, fruits, vegetables. That's five. There's five food groups! Well, that's why we've got the murray menu system, okay? Now, let's just say that you have ordered some bacon-flavored potato chips. Right? Okay. Now, the bacon is from your meat group, and the potato is from your vegetable. Oh. How about your dairy? Sour-cream-and-onion chips. And your fruits? Uh, cherry licorice. Wa-a-a! His package does have it all. Oh, yeah. Any of you guys got a rag? Bill just sneezed banana all over me. Uncle red, uncle red, you know what? The lodge, we're joining a food club. Is there a password to get into that? Doug: "savings." major savings there, red, major food value. Oh, you're gonna love me for this one. Well, don't get your hopes up, murray. You know, I'll probably just break your heart. [ yodels ] [ swedish accent ] who wants a swedish meatball? I do! I do! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Hmm! [ squealing ] well, where's he going? Sweden. Uh, no, thanks. Say, eddie, murray here has started up a food club. Oh. Now, as lodge treasurer, I've calculated we could cut our food costs in half. Really? You could plan your meals a year in advance. We would order a year's worth of pork, a year's worth of beans, and a year's worth of cabbage. Boy, I'm moving out that year. Amen. That'll be the year of living dangerously, won't it? And next year, we could order a year's worth of chicken, a year's worth of macaroni, and a year's worth of chocolate cake. Why don't you just take my boning knife and plunge it into my heart? What would be the savings in that? I don't think eddie likes your food club, murray. A year of pork? A year of pork? Do you have any idea what a year of pork would do to my cooking skills? Think of it as a challenge, eddie. Every night, a new way to cook pork. Well, yes, then. Let's see. The first night, I could throw it at you. And then the next night, I could just stuff it up your noses. And the third night, shish kebabs! Well... I will not be dictated to. I need variety. I need whimsy. I have to cook what mood is in my heart. So, today, what -- were you mad at the world? Maybe just sweden. Well, what would you rather? Would you like me to just become some -- some automatic machine that churns out bland tv dinners every night? [ all murmuring ] that's it! I quit! Hmph! I'm gonna throw in the apron! [ grunting ] here, let me help you, eddie. I quit! You can make your own damn food! Forget it! You're cut off! Well, the old food club is working out just great, murray. See you guys later. Typical. You try and save a little money, and look what happens. Save money? According to my calculations, it's going to cost the lodge $38 billion a week. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ a-roving, a-roving ♪ ♪ a-roving, a-rove ♪ ♪ I'm going to go a-roving ♪ ♪ a-roving, a-rove ♪ ♪ a-roving, a-roving ♪ ♪ it's gonna be swell ♪ ♪ I have no idea what the hell it is ♪ ♪ but I hear it pays pretty well ♪ [ hammer pounding ] red: This week in, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna talk about tools. And I want to talk specifically about the most important tool in your, uh, toolbox, and that is, uh, your hammer. You can use a hammer to fix, uh, anything, uh, except, uh, digital watches and china. Now, the first hammer I want to talk about is a claw hammer. If you get yourself a claw hammer and it doesn't have any instructions with it, it's pretty simple. You pick up the hammer and you start hitting things, and you keep hitting them until you've built something. For example, you can use a claw hammer to hit a nail. Or you can also use a claw hammer to put in a screw... Particularly when your time is at a premium. This way you don't have to worry whether it's a flathead or a socket head or a phillips or robertson or anything. But, you know, a claw hammer is not the only kind of hammer there is. There's also something called a ball peen hammer. You know, it's not as dirty as it sounds, unfortunately. And this can be used, also, to drive in a nail. Or you can use the other end -- the peen end, as we call it in the business -- to, uh, do some riveting. There's a special thing called a rivet here, and... Okay, I think this is more for a metal application. Or, no, I think you're supposed to hammer them from the other side. Just flip this over and you round the -- oh, all right. I've, uh -- I got to pry that board off, but not with this. I need my claw hammer for that. [ thud ] did I drop that hammer? Yeah. Now, where's my claw hammer? Well, I'm always using hammers, aren't I? Well, I'll get the ball peen. All right, all right. Well, uh... I can use something else as a hammer. Now, this is a crowbar -- usually used for prying things apart. Can also be used, uh, for those unfortunate times when you've misplaced the keys to your house or your car. It's not only good for prying... Like that. It also makes a dandy hammer itself. So, you see, almost anything can be used as a hammer. For example, you take a screwdriver. Why not use a screwdriver as a hammer? If you can use a hammer to drive a screw, you can use a screwdriver to hammer. Take a finishing nail or something along this line. Put her in there. You want something with kind of a plexiglas or a hard handle that's not gonna mar in any way. And in she goes. About the only thing that I would say not to use as a hammer would be something like a rubber mallet. I'll show you why. Now, this is kind of useless, but it's not completely useless. Still got a hammer out of it. The thing is that, uh, you've got to be sort of adaptable and realize that there are a lot of things that you can use as a hammer. If you got a big job to do, you need a big hammer. You know, take a big nail. Just... You know, with a hammer that size and a chain saw, you can build a 20' x 40' deck in about, uh, 15 minutes. Not including sanding and medical attention. So there you have it. I mean, the point of this whole thing is that almost anything can be used as a hammer. There's as many hammers as there are thumb injuries. You can use patio stones or your wife's purse or a rifle. Anything that you can find, you can use as a hammer. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Harold, come back here! And bring something I can use as a hammer! "it is autumn. "I'm sitting in my duck blind, blowing on my moose call. "to me, it sounds like indigestion. "to a male moose, "it makes me sound like I'm a female moose in heat. "in about 30 seconds, he will come charging. "if my gun jams, I'll be going out on possibly the worst date of my life." we may have lost eddie as our cook, but, uh, there's a downside, too. Now somebody else is gonna have to make the meals around here. Old man sedgwick volunteered to make his world-famous lasagna for lunch, but I think it got to be world-famous by everybody warning their friends about it. Don't forget. Mt. Vesuvius is world famous as well. Actually, when you eat the lasagna, you start behaving like mt. Vesuvius. It's at the point now where we almost want to get eddie back here, but douglas has insulted him to the point that he's really teed off. He's sitting up in a tree, throwing pinecones at anybody who comes near him. You know, uncle red, all great chefs are very touchy about their cuisine. I mean, eddie's an artist. I mean, his palette is our palates. Wa-a-a! That's a good one, eh? Double "palate." the way you -- you know -- you know what, though? You know what? I don't blame eddie, because to him, a dinner table is like a blank canvas. Yeah, and he paints it with oil. Again, I still do not blame eddie. Because you've never had to survive 12 months of pork. Well, you never met my grade-5 teacher, harold. Anyway, I think I'll just take a stroll down to murray's store and see if I can get this food club deal kind of straightened out. Harold, do that thing that irritates everybody. Oh, okay. ♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout ♪ ♪ here is -- ♪ harold! I meant take us into the next segment. Oh. That. Okay. [ keys clacking ] ah, red, are we still on track for the food club? Yeah, are we going to make a fortune like murray says we are? Well, eddie's still pretty upset, you know. He's hiding up a tree, crying. Mm. I was hoping you could alter the plan in some way so he'd get a little more enthused, you know, 'cause he's starting to upset the squirrels. Well, I've been thinking about that, and I've decided to expand my menu to give eddie a potpourri of menageries as to what he can cook. That's french for "choices." yeah. Like name your poison. Don't help me, dwayne. Go into the storeroom and get me a bottle of corn oil and a bottle of huile de mais. Okay. Now, once eddie sees the number of choices he has, oh, he'll be changing his tune. [ chuckles ] can't find 'em. Oh, for the love of mike! They're right in the middle of the middle shelf there. If they were a dog, they'd have bit you. There they are right there. Now, just get me that one and that one. Oh, I see them. I should get a government grant for letting him work here. Okay, now, this one here is your corn oil, and this is your huile de mais. What does that mean? That's french for "corn oil." it's french corn oil. It's a completely different taste. A beaujolais nouveau. It's the same bottle, murray. They recycle the bottles. You know, the french are very clever. They're always thinking. Imagine that, eh? Listen, why don't you give eddie this revised menu? Show him he can select chicken or poulet or cucaracha. That's mexican chicken. See, he's not limited in any way. Well, I'll give it a try. See you later. Appreciate it! Do you know any italian? Mussolini. That's my favorite car. [ film projector clicking ] red: Well, we thought we'd, uh, kind of get back to nature and make things a little simpler on our adventure with bill this week. Bill is gonna show you just how to climb a tree. Just that simple. Ugh! Pick out a tree that has branches just kind of sticking out so you can... So you can use the branches as more or less... Ohh! ...Steps, like steps on a ladder. [ grunts ] by golly, uh, maybe this wasn't gonna be quite as simple as we -- well, no, I think he's gonna be all right. He still can -- oh. And, uh, so, now we're... Huh! Ow! Yeah. You start thinking about all of the other things you could be doing with your life, you know, like, uh, lying down somewhere. Like that. Oh, well. Time for plan "b." we'll get the seesaw and the teeter-totter effect, and bill is gonna stand on one end. I'll climb up the ladder, and then when I jump down onto that end, that end will go down and his end will go up, and he'll get up the tree that way. Never lost for ideas, bill and I. And 1, 2, 3, and a good old go. Oh! Ohh! [ thud ] ohh! Uh, not quite as successful as we'd planned, but -- all right, all right, all right, all right. Plan "c." I can smell it. Oh. Oh, you okay, bill? Now we got what you call the golf shoes. The golf shoes with your flange niblicks and so on. They got those spikes on the bottom, and what bill is gonna do -- I've never seen this done before. He's gonna try and just dig those into the tree and just climb right up. By golly. By golly, he's got something here. And he's getting up there now. 20, 30 feet up. I c-- I don't -- I don't quite understand. It has something to do with the earth's rotation, and, uh... And, uh, something to do with helium in his snowmobile -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Bill, look out, look out, look out, look out! Ow! Right on the foot. Right on the foot. Thank you, bill. You know, harold, you're getting to that point in your life where you should start thinking of what you're gonna do for a living, you know. What -- what do you mean? Well, think about what you're gonna do, you know, as a career, what you're gonna do the rest of your life. That's what I'm talking about. Well, uncle red, I-I thought I might stay on as, you know, the director/producer of "the red green show." I've been doing it for quite a while now, and I'm really getting the hang of it, you know? And I know I want to stay with the show, and I know you want me to stay with the show, right? Right? I assume. Right? Well, golly. Uh, golly, harold, that's a bit of a shock. Well, of course, you're kidding around. I'm talking seriously. What are you seriously gonna do, you know, for a living? What do you think? I'm serious. I was gonna do the show. No, no, no, come on. Come on. Quit -- quit joshing me here. I'm not joshing. I want to do the show. Yeah, I know. Look, I like to kid around, you know, and I know you do, but I don't want to kid around with this. I'm not kidding. I want to do the show. I want to be straight. Let's be straight. I'm straight. Man to man. I want to do the show. No, come on. Quit kidding around. I'm not kidding. Come on. Come on. I want to do the show. I want to do the show! I want to do the show! Oh, come on, harold. Well, I took murray's new menu options over to show eddie, and he got so darn upset, he almost fell out of his tree. I don't know why eddie gets so upset about everything. You can't tell him that he's fat or he's bald or he's a crappy actor. And this food thing. I mean, what's the big deal? It's not a matter of life or death. Actually, dinner tonight came close. Douglas tried to save a little money by baking a relish-and-tuna casserole. He said it had been in his family for generations, but I think he meant the tuna. Man, that stuff was deadly. Did you eat that stuff, harold? No, but some dropped on my shoe. We ended up with a conga line of guys giving each other the heimlich maneuver. And the potato salad was actually even worse. That was jello. Jello? White jello, harold? Yes. We ran out of water, so I used sour cream. Well, obviously, we got to do something about this meal situation, and we got to do it soon. [ screeching ] uh-oh. Somebody had seconds. No, that's the call of the wild possum. That means that the meeting is about to begin, uncle red. Come on. Let's get down there and see what's going on. Well, I hope we get this thing resolved real fast. Man does not live by beer alone. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] okay. Oh, sorry. All rise. All rise. Up. Up. Up. Up! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Well, I'm glad to see that eddie has left his branch office. The floor recognizes douglas hendrychuck. Thank you, red. Fellow possums, thanks to the incredible savings from murray's food club, I'm pleased to announce the financial crisis is over. [ cheering ] unfortunately, that hasn't stopped one of the lodge members from sabotaging the food, as was the case with tonight's tuna casserole. I'm not naming any names. Well, dwayne and I certainly appreciate all your business, not only because you are fellow lodge members, but because you are our friends. Hear, hear! And if it weren't for that fact, well, we might be tempted to overcharge you on all your purchases. Yeah, we sure do. Well, the food club may sound like a good idea, but tell me -- where are you going to store a year's supply of frozen pork? [ murmuring ] our food requires absolutely no refrigeration. Oh, yeah! All you have to do is feed the pigs and clean the pen. Shut up. Pigs?! The food is still alive? On the hoof? Well, I told you. Oven fresh costs more. That won't work! W-we can't have 100 more pigs running around this lodge. 100 more! That's a -- that's -- wait a minute. You better not be including me in that group. I'm rather fastidious, actually, about my personal hygiene. Shut up, harold. All righty. Well, in light of this new information, fellow possums, I suggest we resign from this food club immediately. [ cheering ] we'll go back to the way things were. Ha! You won't have a cook. Fine! I'll cook. I made these cookies for dessert, and no one sabotaged them. Try one. They're quite good, actually. Here, bill. Now, listen, there's plenty more where these came from. Go ahead. Dig in. Hey, these are good. Come on up, guys. No! No, no, wait! No, stop, stop. I'm sorry. I can't possibly let you eat these cookies. Food prepared by amateurs is dangerous. It could kill you. [ all shouting ] no, no, no, no, no! That's it. That's it. It's settled. I'm back as the lodge chef. You need me. Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Unscathed. Sort of. Red: Watch yourself there, harold. Thanks so much. Well, now that we got eddie back as our cook, we're gonna be able to lose weight, anyway. Well, if there's no other business, bill... No. Well, I call on murray and dwayne here to give us a little bit of magic for the entertainment. [ cheers and applause ] all right, ladies and gentlemen, if you will notice, there is nothing up my sleeve. Dwayne, the cape. Well, all's well that ends. Nobody's real satisfied with the way things turned out, but on the other hand, nobody's angry enough to do anything except complain, and that's about as close as we get to a happy ending. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I am a little hungry, so I would appreciate it if you didn't put the time lock on the fridge tonight. I promise I'll go back on the diet next year. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. another match, ladies and gentlemen. Is it simple, too? Yes, it's very simple. There we go. Oh! Fire! It's supposed to be on fire, stupid. All right. Here we go. Abracadabra! Ala-kaboom! Uh-oh.